^o^ It's a good poem Annie.

^-^

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~(OuO)~

Trawling through the poetry section, rarely actually reading past the preview, this caught my attention.

Some really great writing in this piece e.g;

"our clothes are entangled
together like small twine enjambments
and come from the chinese men and women
who fuel the world with their labor. "

I really like this poem but there are points when the vocabulary feels stretched unnecessarily, still your trying, thats what counts and it gives me hope for future pieces.

Really nicely done, im going to check out some more of ure work ^__^

thank you for your critique (i guess that's what i should call it)!
i'm glad it caught your attention. yes, i'm trying to use different words and try out different situations. would you mind if i asked what words you thought were unnecessary? :/
(i want to improve and your input is always taken into consideration).

thanks again for the comment!

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_{Avatar made by ~abbyland!}

thanks, chamo~ <3

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You're welcome~

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~(OuO)~

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i didnt think any was unnecessary just a little stretched within the piece.

"peurile barley" kinda springs out to me as i feel peurile more pertains to a negative inflection, or a foolish immaturity than the sense of just plain youth.

Im fairly sure you had something in there about "crux" that seems to have dissappeared. Then again i could be mistaken.

Either way its a good piece and if your fully aware of the connotations of the words in your piece then there is nothing out of place and i have made an uninformed comment. It all depends on your intentions.

I did however very much enjoy this piece over the hundreds of other peurile attempts on deviantArt

Oh, I see. C:

You are right, it does pertain to said inflection. I was trying to look for words that were similar to "green" and somehow that one came up. It was probably because "green" means "young" and also is a colour. I'm probably going to change it since it does not make much sense. Thanks for pointing that out. When I was writing this, I was most likely listening to music more than paying attention to my syntax.

There was something about a crux in my piece, but I then decided to take it sense it seemed unnecessary. I'm probably going to re-write the poem in a little bit, but I'm satisfied with it for now.

I am fully aware of the connotations; however, you did point out that the incorrect word I used to describe barley. I might even change barley too. Ah, thanks for allowing me to note to think about the words I use before I write them.

Haha! I love how you use the word we talked about in my piece to describe others. I do agree with said statement. There are many poems and they are very peurile.
Have you check out ~iLISI's work? She's quite amazing [in my opinion] and her work is very mature. (:

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Welcome welcome. I only wish to encourage not to hinder.

I havent heard of her but i will check her work out on ure advice ^__^

Keep up the good work!